FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
