Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
