I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Houston, we have a blender
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
