So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
