There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
