dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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