Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
