I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
