take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
