I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This toilet bowl is my home.
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