he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
