I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
