I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
