guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
