Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
