Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
