You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
