so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
