I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
