Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
