One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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