I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
