I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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