Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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