I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
