His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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