i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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