I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
