Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
