There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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