i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
