I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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