Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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