I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
