he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We left the knife in your bed.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
