so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
