shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
