Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
