Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
