what day is it and did you see me today?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
