____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
