I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
