i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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