Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
