my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Every concussion has its silver lining
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
