ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Vodka?
Forever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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