Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
