You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
