I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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