giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
